A couple of weeks ago, I solicited those that follow me on Facebook, for some input on what they would like to read about. A friend suggested writing something on the illusion of control. When I read those words, “illusion of control,” I immediately thought, YES! My next thought was, hmmm, what the heck does that even mean? I know there have been many areas of my life that I have tried to control, and I know it doesn’t serve me, but I never really thought of it as an illusion until now.
While trying to write this post last week, I got stuck. My brain literally hurt. I was trying to force myself to explain a concept that I didn’t fully grasp yet, so I saved what I had, and stopped trying. In the meantime, I beat myself up a bit for not having written anything for a month. Guess what? Beating myself up only made me feel worse, and I still didn’t get any writing done. When I sat down today, my plan was to put this post on hold for a bit and write about something else, and this just started flowing. There it is!
So if you’re not quite clear, let me explain….this is a tricky one. I thought by forcing myself to write, I could come up with a post. Then I thought by beating myself up for not finishing the post, I was in control of the situation, when in fact I had no control. I just felt badly for not getting the work done, and then still got no work done. When I became open to not forcing it, the concept became clear and I was able to start writing with ease. Once I let go of my need to write this post, it became easy to do so.
I had a client once who felt the need to look at menus online before she went to a restaurant, so she would know exactly what to order when she got there. She thought doing this helped control her weight because she would have a plan. She thought being skinny was what would make her happy, and trying to control every situation where she encountered food, was one of her ways of controlling her weight. You may be thinking, so what’s wrong with that? Well she was skinny, but she wasn’t happy. This made her very unhappy and anxious at times. She couldn’t allow herself to spontaneously go out to dinner with friends, was terrified every time she had to travel for work, and she missed out on a lot of fun experiences because she was trying to control everything. The fact is though, the only thing she was controlling was her ability to enjoy life. When she let go of this need, she became more social, happy, AND didn’t gain a pound! So, even though she had thought she was controlling her weight, she actually wasn’t.
Many of my weight loss clients are afraid to love themselves no matter what the scale says, because they think if they hate themselves enough, they will find the “willpower” to diet and exercise. The opposite is true though. People who hate themselves for having a little cellulite on their thighs will feel terrible from beating themselves up, and often overeat, which then leads to weight gain. Again, the illusion of control here is that hating yourself will not motivate you to take good care of yourself. The truth is, by surrendering and loving yourself no matter what, you will be much more inclined to make choices that are good for you.
Another area where control is a total illusion is when it comes to our expectations of our experiences. Many people have visions on how they think things should be. They think if they plan everything out perfectly, things will go the way they want them to go, and that will make them happy. Let me tell you….that doesn’t work, and it often leaves people feeling disappointed. I know that when I have my day planned out perfectly, and I have every hour of that day accounted for, things don’t always unfold as I plan. Being so rigid in how you think things should be, does not make everything go the way you want them to go. Life happens. Having a plan does not always control the outcome. Being able to go with the flow, and telling yourself, “everything will work out,” will keep you much more comfortable when things don’t go how you planned.
Everything does in fact always work out. It may not work out as you planned or had hoped, but everything does work out. Life keeps moving forward, and most things we can’t control. One thing we can control though, is our attitude. Being angry when things don’t go our way or when someone doesn’t act the way we want them to act, does nothing but make you angry. Being angry won’t control or change the situation. Being open, kind, and loving to ourselves and others, allows life to flow in a much more comfortable manner.
Letting go of “control” is really just letting go of the concept of control because even when you think you are in control, in most cases you are not. When you don’t feel the need to control people or situations, you can accept what is. Accepting what is, feels so much better than resisting the realities in our lives and trying to control everything. This does not mean you can’t have an idea of how you want things to look in your life, or you can’t have a schedule. It just means loosening your grip a bit and striving to be ok, no matter what life throws your way.
*This concept has definitely got me thinking. It’s not so easy grasp, so if you’re feeling a little confused, leave a comment. I’d love to discuss this further!
