I often tell clients it’s important to feel their feelings. On the other hand, I regularly help people understand it’s their thoughts that create their suffering—and if we change our thoughts, we can improve the way we feel. I recently realized how confusing this can be for people if they don’t fully understand how to know when to let those feelings flow, and when to try and ease their suffering with better feeling thoughts. So I shall explain…
Feeling our feelings is important when we would otherwise numb out or live in a state of denial about something. I’m referring to dealing with things as they come up in our lives. When we use anything as a way of avoiding feeling our feelings, that’s when we need to run towards them (i.e.-food, relationships, alcohol, etc.). No one (that I know of) ever died from feeling a feeling—and the only way to get past one is to go through it. Otherwise, they will pop up at a later date, and usually become more intense. The surprising thing for most folks, is that feeling is usually not so bad after all, and the behavior we turn to to numb out isn’t actually necessary.
On the flipside, when we find ourselves dwelling on something that’s based purely on speculation, or on something that’s done and cannot be changed—it may be time to reevaluate whether or not we are creating unnecessary pain.
A dear friend of mine decided to move to a new town so her kiddos can go to a better school. Initially when she made this decision she’s became a bit of a basket case. All she could think about was how much she loved the house she lived in, all the memories she had with her family there, and all of the work she put into it. In addition, she dwelled on how much work she was going to have to put into a new house, how she would never love any other house the way she loved her current one, and that she will never be able to find something as nice. Not so shocking she broke down in tears repeatedly for days, right? She was torturing herself.
When she came to me for advice, I tried to explain she was suffering tremendously, and most of it was unnecessary. Initially she fought me tooth and nail—“Moving is so stressful,” and “You always tell me I gotta feel my feelings,” she said to me. It made me think. Yeah, I do often stress the importance of feeling our feelings, but in this case, it wasn’t time.
What I mean is, maybe some of those things she worried about would come true—but maybe they wouldn’t. And if they didn’t, she was spending a hell of a lot of time feeling crappy for no reason other than the sob story she was telling herself in her head. In order to shift her thinking, we spoke about how she was committed to not settling for a house just for the sake of moving—so in reality she knew she would only buy a new place if she found the right one for her and her family. We also discussed the reason she and her husband decided to make the move, which was to do what was best for her kids and therefore her family. She doesn’t have to move; she’s choosing to move. We also chatted about how feeling sad and nostalgic when the move was actually happening will be healthy (if that’s what comes up), but that day nothing had changed—she was still living in her house, and life was the same as it was the day before. There was actually nothing to be sad about.
Turns out she ended up putting a bid on a fabulous house that she’s really excited about, and all that time spent freaking out, was for nothing. While there has been a lot to get done for the closing, her energy has shifted from despair to mostly enthusiasm. It’s not to say that when the time comes to actually move, it will be all sunshine and rainbows, but today, right now in this moment of time, all is well. Dealing with issues as they actually come up, rather than fantasizing about what we fear will happen, allows us to spend more time feeling good about the realities in our lives.
When you find yourself wondering if it’s time to feel or not to feel, ask yourself Am I trying to avoid dealing with something or, Is what I’m thinking about actually reality, or is it just a story in my head or something I can’t go back and change? These should help you get an answer so you can move on with your merry life.
That’s it—that’s all I got for ya!
Happy day!!
P.S.-If you’re still confused, email me back, and we can discuss!
P.S.S.-Click here to read about how many celebs are opting for life coaches these days. If you’re interested in a free half hour phone consultation with me to see what it’s all about, just hit reply to this email, and we can set something up! Oh—and that coach of Oprah’s just happens to be one of the coaches who trained me!
