Feelings are called feelings because they are for feeling. They are meant to be felt. The good feelings we have are easy because we enjoy them, the icky ones…not so much.
From very early on in a lot of people’s lives, many are taught not to feel. As a child you may have been told to stop crying when you were upset about something. Maybe you were told you were being silly, or people will judge you, or maybe you were flat out told not to feel a certain way. Maybe someone tried to distract you by giving you a special treat if you calmed down. All of these messages become ingrained, and then most people never learn to mature emotionally because they have been trained to push their feelings aside.
As we age, if we are never taught or permitted to feel our feelings, finding ways to avoid feeling become more common. Some people eat to avoid feeling, some drink or do drugs, some use sex, and some have become so good at not allowing themselves to feel that they can just completely shut down emotionally, and ignore a feeling (temporarily).
The problem with not allowing ourselves to feel, is that in the moment you are either doing more damage to yourself, or somewhere down the road it will lead to suffering. Not feeling often results in people becoming ill (physically or mentally). Not feeling, can also affect your relationships, and your ability to truly connect with others. Not feeling can lead to self-sabotage. It can affect all areas of your life, and when it shows up, it’s usually not pretty.
A lot of people have suppressed their feelings for so long, the idea of feeling can be scary. What is actually so scary though? What is the worst that could happen? The bottom line is the only way to fully move past a feeling is to go right through it. The only way to change unwanted behaviors like overeating, self sabotage, pushing loved ones away, is to feel.
This past week was very challenging for me emotionally. The woman who has taken care of my baby while I work, since she was 10 weeks old, had to tend to some family issues and can no longer work for us. Both Charlotte and myself have become quite attached to her, and thinking about her not being in our daily lives was really upsetting to me for many reasons. Now, I will be the first to tell you I do not deal with loss very well. My feelings became so intense, at one point I caught myself fighting them. I literally thought about how I didn’t want to deal with this because it hurt too much. I thought about what I would tell a client to do in this circumstance, and so I gave myself permission to just feel what I was feeling, regardless of how much it hurt, or if I was being overly dramatic. This was how I was feeling. It didn’t matter that someone else in my shoes might not feel this sad. It didn’t matter that we have new childcare lined up that might be even better. It didn’t matter that everything happens for a reason. All that mattered is that I was sad, and I needed to be sad.
So I was. I had a good cry…or ten, but who’s counting? In the moment, it hurt like hell, but guess what? I survived. My feelings didn’t kill me, and in fact, today I feel much more at peace with the whole situation. The past week or so, every time I thought about it, I would tear up, but today I am ok…in fact, today I’m great! Come Monday, I may be sad again, and if I am that is ok.
As a life coach, I help people think more positively and notice the good in their lives. While this is very effective in altering people’s moods, I think it is equally important to learn how to feel our feelings. As long as we don’t fall into the victim role and constantly focus on the yuck in life, allowing ourselves to feel, has tremendous benefits. It will help you understand yourself better, and it will help prevent you from making poor choices that will ultimately make you feel worse. It will help you move forward and get through life’s ups and downs. It will improve your relationship with yourself and with others.
So, whatever you are feeling, feel it. You will be stronger and better off for having done so. Give yourself permission and be kind to yourself. When you tell yourself that you shouldn’t feel a certain way, you are repressing a part of you. How can you be whole if you don’t allow yourself to just be who you are? When you feel good, celebrate! When you’re feeling blue, have a good cry, punch your pillow, go for a jog, scream, do whatever feels right for letting the feeling out. No feeling ever lasted forever (at least that I know of), so know that like everything in life, this too shall pass. What’s the worst that could happen? You will evolve as a person, you will prevent yourself from partaking in unhealthy behaviors, and you will feel better! Remind me what was so scary about that??
