Repeat after me, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
This dawned on me recently as I was coaching a client who said he was feeling frustrated with his wife. He complained that she didn’t trust him, she was needy, controlling, and insecure. Never did he once think that any of his irritation had to do with him, because he was too busy placing the blame on her.
What we uncovered was yes, some of his thoughts about her actions could be true. It turns out though, she wasn’t the reason for his annoyance. His intolerance was actually ignited by his own “stuff,” and he was triggered. You see, he grew up with a mom who never listened to him. She always had her own agenda, and never appreciated him for who he was and never fully understood him. Because of this, when he feels misunderstood, it is very unsettling to him. Therefore, when his wife questions him about something he didn’t do, he once again feels misunderstood, which causes him pain.
This is just one of many examples where the reasons we are upset are not always (or almost never) what they seem. If you’ve worked with me or been following me for a while, at some point you have probably heard me say, “It’s all your fault,” or “You’ve got no one to blame but yourself,” and “No one but you can make you feel anything.” My intention is to never come across as harsh, and in fact, I make these statements all in good fun because when we truly take ownership of our own happiness, it can almost seem absurd that we ever blamed anyone or anything for the way we feel. While difficult to swallow at times, it can also be quite liberating.
Did you have a major case of road rage yesterday? Maybe it wasn’t because that “a-hole” cut you off. Maybe it was because you have a history of feeling like people walk all over you, and you were triggered. Did an interaction with an emotionally unavailable person leave you feeling disappointed? Maybe it’s because you often don’t feel worthy or good enough. Did you freak out at your kid because he had an irrational meltdown? Maybe you were triggered because you weren’t able to help him, and you think you are a bad parent. Did you get pissed off at your partner because she ordered something unhealthy when you’re trying to eat healthier? Maybe you feel crappy because you beat yourself up every time you don’t think you have self-control.
Whatever the scenario may be, it can just about always be traced back to our own “stuff.” When we realize it’s not you, it’s me, then we don’t have to wait for anyone else to change their behaviors in order to feel good. We can let go of expectations (which always spoil the joy). We become free to feel good no matter what anyone else does or doesn’t do. We take charge of our own feelings, and stop giving all of our power away.
The next time you get all worked up over something someone else did, I invite you take a look within. Take the other person or situation out of the equation, and ask yourself questions like, “Why am I really so upset?” and, “What am I making this mean?” If you dig deep and really get honest with yourself, my guess is you could learn a little something about yourself. Not only is it very intriguing, but you will probably find it much easier to work through your challenges too.
Knowledge is power, and with that power, you get the chance to change your life for the better. No more waiting and hoping and wishing others will change, so you can be happy. It’s all you baby!
That’s it; that’s all I got for ya!
Happy day!
P.S.-I’M SOOOOOO EXCITED TO TELL YOU ABOUT MY NEW MONTHLY IN PERSON COACHING GROUP!!! If you or someone you know is in the NYC area, and you want to start your new year off on the right foot, join me for my first Sunday Sit-Down on January 10th, 4-6pm on the Upper East Side. If you are struggling with weight, relationships, your kids, your job, or just want to feel more joy in your life, this group is for you! Click here, or email me at melanie@melanierudnick.com for details, and start making your happiness a priority, yay!
