Those who have worked with me have often heard me ask, “What are you making it mean?” At first, this concept can be tricky to grasp, but once we do, it can be completely liberating. This is because once you realize that no one or no thing can make you feel a certain way, you can take accountability for your own feelings and decide how you want to feel.
My clients will often fight me on this one because they are 100% certain their boss, mother-in-law, spouse, father, sister, job, weight, wrinkles, home, and bank accounts are making them miserable. When I insist that they are the cause of their unhappiness, they often temporarily add me to this list.
When I ask, “What are you making it mean?”, I am simply asking you why you think a certain person or thing is making you unhappy. Your answer is a story…your story…your thoughts. Your thoughts are what create your feelings. So, if you can disprove or change your thinking (your story about a person or thing), you have the ability to change the way you feel!
It’s not your wrinkles that make you feel sad, it’s that you think your wrinkles make you look old and ugly (your story). It’s not your mother-in-law that makes you angry, it’s you thinking you can’t stand up to her (your story). It’s not your boss that makes your day to day job hell, it’s your thinking he’s incompetent that makes you miserable (your story).
Instead, you can think of your crows feet as a sign that you have smiled a lot in this lifetime, and choose to love yourself no matter what. You can think of your mother-in-law as someone who is there to help teach you to speak your truth. Hey, and maybe your boss is here to give you the opportunity to realize how awesome you are at what you do because you don’t even need someone to manage your work!
A client of mine had a story for years that she is a bad mom. I asked her why, and she said sometimes she loses her temper with her kids and yells at them. I pointed out that yelling at her kids sometimes does not make her a bad mom, but that is what she was making it mean. When I asked her if she was absolutely certain it was true, she said she thought it was. I assured her I didn’t think she was a bad mom, so it can’t possibly be a fact unless everyone on this planet would agree. The way to loosen these pesky thoughts are to find evidence that they are not true.
Are all moms who yell at their kids occasionally, bad moms? Does she know any moms who sometimes yell, that are actually great moms? Would a bad mom love her kids as deeply as she does? Would a bad mom take care of her children the way she does? Would a bad mom even question herself and try to better herself? We found lots of evidence to disprove this thought that she has been carrying around and suffering from for so long. When she realized it was her thinking that was causing her pain, she cried. She then saw that it was a choice, and she didn’t have to feel that pain anymore. This allows room for growth, which leads to the ability to make long term changes.
Just becoming conscious of your thoughts is huge! It allows you to be an observer of your thoughts, rather than becoming your thoughts. When you can observe, you can just acknowledge with fascination. Now don’t go using this as another reason to put yourself down; just notice. Awareness is much more powerful than most people realize.
The next time you think someone or something is upsetting you, ask yourself, “What am I making it mean?” and you will find the thought that is making you feel icky. It’s never the person, or the thing or circumstance. It’s always the thought about the person, thing or circumstance, and maybe, just maybe you’re thought isn’t true. Try and find evidence to disprove the thought, and you will feel some relief almost immediately. If you find yourself holding onto the icky thought, there is probably a reason, like a defense mechanism of some sort. That’s ok, but just know that when you want to feel better, you, and only you, have the ability to make that happen!
Happy day everyone 🙂
