You need to change, so I can be happy. Sounds pretty ridiculous, right?! Surprisingly though, most people walk around believing this.
Any time you have an expectation of another person to be any way except the way they are, you are giving all of your power away. Your mood is completely in your own hands, yet people often blame others for the way they feel. It’s easier. If it’s not my fault, then I have no control, and I don’t have to do anything except be mad at you.
A while back, a friend of mine was complaining about her mother-in-law (yes, you are not alone). She said to me, “She has no right to do that!” The truth is, she has absolutely every right to do anything, just like you and I. When we resist, or get upset about another person’s behavior, we are not accepting what is, and that never ever feels good. It is completely unproductive, that is, unless you like playing the victim in life, and have no intention of ever evolving into emotional maturity.
Expecting others to behave a certain way is like having a handbook for them. The only problem is that it’s in our heads, and most of the time, the other person doesn’t have access to this guide. I don’t know too many people who can read minds, so this can be extremely problematic.
Some of these issues can be easily resolved just by communicating better. If you need a hug, just ask your husband for one, rather than getting angry because “he should just know.” If a friend hasn’t been there for you as much as you’d like, and you need her, let her know exactly what you need of her. If your sister isn’t telling you all about her new boyfriend, tell her you’re interested in hearing more about her relationship because you love her.
When we don’t express our needs to people, and just expect them to read our minds, we are setting ourselves up for disappointment. It’s our reactions that often lead to relationship disaster, not the other person’s behavior.
In many situations though, expressing our needs and desires isn’t the answer. We often think if so-and-so would have just said this/done that, then all would be well. The truth is it’s much easier to change our attitudes. If you know that your brother doesn’t listen and always has his own agenda, then don’t be so surprised every time he interrupts you to change the direction of your conversations. Of course he is going to interrupt…that’s what he does! Don’t be so surprised when your mother-in-law tells you how you should live your life…that is what she’s done since the day you met her. Why would today be any different than yesterday?! Don’t be so shocked and appalled when your boss asks you to do something you think is his responsibility…that’s what he’s always done! Try and find the humor in it whenever possible. Of course so-and-so said that…that’s who she is!
You and only you are responsible for how you feel. Your reaction to other people’s behavior is a choice. The way you feel is a choice. Blaming others for our feelings is the easy way out. It basically allows us to go through life without taking any accountability.
Deciding to accept behaviors does not mean you condone anything and everything, it just means you are choosing to feel good whenever possible. In some cases boundaries may have to be set, but in most, you are making a stand for yourself and taking your control back!
You don’t need to change, so I can be happy. I need to change so I can be happy.
I don’t know about you, but I think this is great news! It’s much easier to change ourselves than to try and change others. I am responsible for me, and I get to decide how I want to feel, woo hoo!
HAPPY DAY EVERYONE!!
