You’ve got no one to blame but yourself! When it comes to your feelings, this is ALWAYS true. My guess is a lot of you are shaking your heads thinking I’ve gone mad, but it is true. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you can choose to go through life a much happier human being, and the sooner you will stop giving all of your power away to others.
A friend of mine came over the other day. She has an upcoming trip that she was absolutely dreading “because of her mother-in-law.” She proceeded to tell me that her mother-in-law is manipulative, and she always fights with her husband right before a visit, and that she REALLY didn’t want to go because she knows her mother-in-law is going to make her miserable. My response to this was not feeling bad for her, but to tell her that if she has a miserable time, it is her own fault, and if she fights with her husband it is her own fault too. Now some of you may think that was a bit harsh, but I believe in this concept so strongly, that my usual overly empathetic self did not even overrule this. It’s much easier to blame others and our circumstances for our misery because then we don’t have to do anything except be miserable. We don’t have to take any accountability, and we don’t have to do any work. If you really want to feel better, and I mean REALLY want it, it is entirely in your own hands!
What I tried to explain is when you worry about what may happen in the future, you ruin your day today. It serves absolutely no purpose. It was my friend’s thoughts about her trip and her mother-in-law, and not actually her mother-in-law or her upcoming trip, that were making her crazy. Her trip was still over a week away, and she was spending hours upon hours a day obsessing about how awful it was going to be. She had a story in her head of how the trip was going to go, and the kinds of things her mother-in-law was going to say, and what she and her husband were going to argue about. The insane thing about this is (and to my friend who knows I am writing this, and is reading this, I don’t actually think you are insane because we all do this), it was all in her HEAD. None of it had actually happened! So she ruined weeks of her life being upset about something that didn’t even happen, and probably won’t even happen. She was not getting along with her husband because of the thoughts she was having about how he MAY react. But again, none of it had actually happened. It all felt very real to her though because she had convinced herself that this is exactly how things would go. This is a prime example of how our thoughts about what we THINK will happen in the future can ruin your day today. When my friend thought, “My mother-in-law is going to be so manipulative and annoying”, she felt awful. When she thought, “My mother-in-law really loves my baby, and she can help with my child so I can get some rest and time to relax”, that felt much better to her.
Another thing to consider is that when you think anyone else (other than yourself) can make you unhappy, you give all of your power away. Now those of you who have issues with anyone in your life, you’re probably thinking, “yeah, but you don’t understand, my mother-in-law (mom, dad, sister, brother, friend, spouse, etc.), she makes me feel like crap.” “So and so makes me feel like a horrible person, like an idiot, like I’m irresponsible, like I’m a bad mom, etc.” I have heard it all before. What I have to say to that, is you are wrong…once again, you make you feel like crap, like a horrible person, like an idiot, like you’re irresponsible, like you are a bad mom. This is a tough one to digest…I know, I fought it for a long time because it’s soooo much easier to blame others than to change ourselves.
Once you do accept this, it is life altering! No one has the power to make you feel anything except you. It’s your thoughts about the things people say or do, that make you feel a certain way. If you don’t entertain a comment, it can’t hurt you. If someone made a comment that was critical of how I am as a mother, I would laugh it off because I know I’m an awesome mom. I could choose to take it personally, or think about all the things I should have said in the moment, how I could have defended myself, how I could put the critical person in his or her place, or how dare they say something like that to me, but doing so wouldn’t serve me. It would actually make me really cranky, so in a situation like that, coming up with thoughts that feel better, are what I have trained my brain to do (most of the time…hey, even I’m not perfect).
The next time something or someone “makes you feel” a certain way, realize that all circumstances in life are neutral, and it’s your thoughts about those things that make you feel good or bad. Yes, some things like a death, a divorce/breakup, and for some a mother-in-law, can stir up more negative emotions than others, but it always goes back to your thoughts about these things. The power is in your hands, and I don’t know what you think about that, but I think it’s amazing, and that makes me feel great!!
P.S.-This is one of my favorite topics, so if you want to discuss further, leave a comment or email me at melanie@melanierudnick.com!
